Standardized Exploitation and the rationale of L.I.A.R. (Long Island Anarachists against Regents)

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They spent the entire evening downing tequila shots, chugging Coronas, and reading essays. A cool summer breeze swept through the city of Austin around midnight, reminding the tired, old teachers that it was about time to sober up and grade the countless Advanced Placement exams. Yes, what you hear is true: drunk, disgruntled, retirees "playing God"……deciding whether or not your spoiled Long Island teen has a shot at Yale.

Thank Mom and Dad for the $3,000 they dropped on your tutors and AP prep courses, because it pays to have someone like your drunken Uncle Joe review "To what extent did the American Revolution fundamentally change American society? Addressing the political, social, and economic effects in the period from 1775-1800".

Here's another appetizing mental image:

After countless hours of rereading each failed student's Regents Examinations the bloodsucking, fascist English coordinator had to make a decision while the idiotic, pathetic, subservient puppets (the teachers) stared at their leader with apathetic eyes. The only option the Puppet master felt was to have the puppet monkeys go back to the exams and change a few answers, you know--just a little here and a little there. Think about it…..the coordinator has to hide the inadequate efforts and mistakes of the staff in order to avoid the Principal, Administration, Superintendent, and Community conducting public humiliation and exile from white suburban heaven (I mean God forbid, the coordinator would ever accept the fact that maybe it wasn't the puppets fault and some student's actually failed because they didn't study. Or maybe the Nazi leader hasn't been in a classroom in over a decade and forgot that some student's can sometimes just be having a bad day, i.e. failed abortion, abusive father, rape, coke addiction…..you know-the sort of "minor", "trivial" things that might distract the student and cause them to fail.).

Yes, this is sad, but all true. The rigorous, highly academic, "Blue Ribbon School of Excellence" in one of the most prestigious towns in Long Island cheats!!!!

I mean who doesn't these days? A CBS report states that from 1999-2002, New York education officials found 21 proven cases of teacher/administrative cheating from Buffalo to Long Island. The teachers either read off answers or changed scores. Even our beloved Leader of the Free World supposedly cheated on a few exams, no big whoop!

So, what's the deal anyways with the AP and Regents Exams?. We're all aware of the exams various purposes: to assess student's knowledge and enrich their education. Oh yeah, I forgot about school funding, property tax value, and shady bureaucratic political moves.

Infiltrating your wealthy towns and esteemed high schools right now is the army L.I.A.R. (Long Island Anarchists against Regents). L.I.A.R. will cheat on everything, and every exam that comes their way. They believe that if their hard work amounts to nothing, their goal will be to manipulate and cheat their way "to the top" positions ( i.e. Puppet masters of sorts) in the American educational system. Of course, L.I.A.R. is sympathetic towards lowly teachers, who they understand could help create the desired utopian classroom-- free of standardized testing. Teachers, like L.I.A.R. members agree the shady antics of coordinators and superintendents must stop before they ruin education in America. Some of the "everyday" L.I.A.R. cheating techniques include:

----Providing S.A.T. exams answers to underclassmen that will cause them to excel with flying colors, prompting educators to allow early graduation (providing a faster opportunity to attend universities and "take over" education).

---Hack into the Board of Education doctrines and recreate laws allowing high school students to run for B.O.E. positions.

---Hold private meetings discussing the newest cheating techniques (i.e. answers on bubble gum wrapper, inside hat lids, water bottle labels, etc.)

---Locate AP grading meet points (i.e. Austin), take incriminating photos, exploit corruption, and abolish AP exams. (Of course this will place more emphasis on the Regents, but it will be easier to hack only one exam…at least for the time being).

---Increase the humanities course load: Art, Literature, Music, and Philosophy (All of the core subjects that promote discussion and debate and rage against testing).

For a while, coordinators, administrators, principals, and community members will believe their efforts prompted the increase in student excellence but it is a mere decoy to cheat them out of work. The high achievement levels will surpass any current administrative position forcing them to retire/and or resign. Try and create a painstaking Regents exam and L.I.A.R. will crush its bones.